Bubbles race up and past me as I fall deeper into the dark below. I should feel the water around me, crushing against me, but there is nothing – no wetness, no thundering, rushing sound in my ears; just the silence of disbelief. This is not happening to me.
This cannot be happening, this is not reality.
I struggle and spin in place, fighting against the unseen current that is pushing me deeper into the chasms below, but this is futile, like a child against a whale, I am no match against this fate, this inevitability. I scream out, a silent scream, begging for a hero to rescue me.
I see my father in my mind’s eye, his hand outstretched, his eyes tear-filled as his hand passes through mine and he is gone. My mother kneels to pick me up, I am a baby again and I need her arms around me; comfort and safety is within her power… She is gone in a flash of green-blue light; I continue to fall, alone.
My eyes lose focus now, there is not enough light to see my own arms and hands before me, there is darkness and shifting shadows only.
Think.
I can hear my own voice within my head, that is reassuring for some reason. As if I can spell myself to safety, back to my bedroom where moments before I had been laying on my bed, atop the covers, listening to my heartbeat and counting the pulses of light with my eyes closed.
This is within my mind, within me and me alone – only I am experiencing this, there is nothing to be afraid of.
I calm myself with these words, and The Deep takes offense. The water around me explodes with power and ferocity. Light flashes before my eyes; reds, yellows, whites, purples and blues – a collage of light, patternless and without shape, terrifying and then gone, I am returned to the darkness where I now dwell.
Moments pass, thoughts flicker and are gone before my mind can focus on them. From moment to moment my mind races and is worthless to me. Did I tell her that I love her? Did I hug him when I tucked him in? Did I say the right thing to a friend in need? Was I someone that I would be proud of in the end?
A hand reaches out and I clamber to grasp it before I can even see the face to which it belongs. I take hold of the offered wrist and pull myself close… I see my own face now, smooth skin where my eyes should be, no mouth, no ears – just fresh, pink and perfect skin.
He holds me, needing me more than I need him (me) and then he releases his hold, the current is too strong, I cannot hold onto him alone – and he is gone into the darkness, leaving me alone again.
No.
I pull my hands into my chest, my knees and feet hold steady, no more flailing about, no longer loose and akimbo.
I am in bed still, I am dreaming.
This thought calms me and I slow my breathing. My breath. I can breathe. I am under water, why can I breathe? This makes no sense anymore.
Calm yourself. Be calm. Debate this, where is the logic?
All sound is vibration. All matter is energy, all energy is vibration, I am matter, I am energy and sound. I am not asleep, I am not dreaming, I am a dream of me.
I am standing now, dry and warm, and there is a soft glow about me, as if candles burn within my body. I can return to myself laying there upon my bed. My body as a shallow breath, cool temperature and my eyes are open in thin slits. I can return now… Or I can see the mountain top. I can ask the question. I can find out, finally know the Reason to the Why.
I take a step towards the mountain.
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